birthskin's Xanga

Thursday, September 06, 2012

Thu, 06 Sep 2012 21:02:38 GMT

Making mistakes on purpose is my forte.

I am so self destructive, it's almost unreal. Do I really, I mean REALLY, hate myself that much that I'd go to such an extreme to sabotage myself?

The obvious answer is yes.

On a more positive note, I haven't eaten in three days to make up for the long weekend where I was a self-declared fatty mc fat ass.

Heh, goodbye.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Wed, 21 Mar 2012 19:59:31 GMT

In Kentucky, at the Hilton. The night before Robb and I explored through mammoth cave.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Wed, 21 Mar 2012 19:37:11 GMT

My oh my, the time flew by. I hadn't forgotten about you, xanga. I've just been all over the place since my last post. My last post.. I intended for it to be my last, because, well, I had a handful of sleeping pills in my view as I wrote it and swallowed them in one big gulp after I pressed submit. The whole situation is a little fuzzy, but apparently the pills did the opposite effect, and I was in another world, wide awake for many, many hours. When I came to I was in a hospital with needles upon needles shooting salt water into my veins. I couldn't walk. I couldn't really talk, either. I didn't know who I was, or any of my family for quite some time. I've recovered from that overdose and episode, as have my family with their worrying and all.

On a lighter note, I did end up getting full time at work, officially, with benefits and all. Not just that, but I am always on first shift now, 7 to 3, and that makes me much happier than working until 11 PM every night. Pay is still shit, but other than that, I'm happy with where I'm working, even if the administration is lead by a bunch of greedy, ruthless bitches.

What more is there to say? I'm not so sure. So much has happened and changed that it's almost as if nothing has happened at all since I last left you. Because here I am, on my laptop, typing away to an old familiar friend like we had just spoken yesterday.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Mon, 21 Nov 2011 20:17:24 GMT

My hair has been a bigger mess than usual this past week, along with my perception on life. I've been one bland emotion for the past few days. I get up and get the kids ready and off to school, I fall back asleep (maybe) for a couple of hours, then get up and go to work. Sometimes I deal with a girl that I've been nothing but nice to(bringing her coffee, covering her shifts, etc.) only to hear her spreading rumors about me. Sometimes, like last night, a coworker discovers I'm bulimic and I sit flabbergasted, hoping her rumored big mouth does not spread my private matter throughout the workplace. Then I come home, after getting my residents to bed, toileting them, bathing them, feeding them, and changing them, and try to find the time to do such things for myself. I see my boyfriend sometimes, for an hour, until he falls asleep and I sit there, seeing imaginary spiders through the corners of my eye. Sleep deprived, I'd say. Putting in 95 hours in work the past two weeks, among my other priorities: family, social life, relationship, and school. I left school in the dust. I didn't do large assignments, and I didn't take my math test. The bland emotion sucks every ounce of worry I have about fucking up school and rolls it into nothingness - probably saving it for rainy day.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Thu, 10 Nov 2011 22:45:31 GMT

I got spacers today, and next week I'm scheduled for getting braces, once again. I've chosen a new orthodontist that I've heard rave reviews about. They seem to know what they're doing there, and I'm excited. I can finally smile without cringing on the inside. This little slice of personal happiness will be costing me over $4,000. Is maintaining a healthy mentality really that expensive? Here's hoping that my parents trip to Las Vegas leads them to a wealthy life, so I can sponge off of their winnings like the bastard child I am.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Sun, 30 Oct 2011 20:00:17 GMT

I've been working oh so very much that I've forgotten where my home is. Update later.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Sat, 22 Oct 2011 14:42:49 GMT

I've set private to so many of my entries on this here website, that it almost feels like I'm hiding from my life. Not my current life, however, but my past. I'm happy now. I have a rewarding job, I've met some cool people at work (well, mostly Jessica), I have a boyfriend that loves me unconditionally, I have money in the bank, I'm losing even more weight (currently 110 at 5'8) and now thanks to my new job I know that I want to be a nurse. This is one of those times when I think back to myself "Thank God the adolescent in me didn't succeed at suicide." I wouldn't of witnessed all this greatness.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Fri, 21 Oct 2011 11:01:02 GMT

Yesterday was the first day I've dealt with death at my job. I work at an assisted living home, and am a nursing aide, and a women named Linda, who just turned 56 five days ago, passed away. She'd been having a fever for awhile, and on bed rest (although, she was always in bed other than us bringing her to the bathroom or to the dining area). Linda suffered from dementia, like all of my residents do on the East wing, but she was completely paralyzed and unable to move her body. It was a struggle. I'm just hoping she's able to walk, talk, and be free again wherever she is now. It's strange seeing someone, and getting so close with them, only to have them die the next day. I mean, we didn't have heart to hearts seeing as she couldn't speak or hardly open her mouth, but I changed her, I got her ready for bed and tucked her in. I guess I was more so shocked than anything.

In other news, I have surgery today. The good news out of this is that I wont be able to eat for awhile, because I'll get sick if I do. So we'll see how much I weigh once I'm healed (which will have to be Monday, because I work -.-).

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Wed, 19 Oct 2011 18:28:05 GMT

Halloween is in the air at my home.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Mon, 17 Oct 2011 17:55:53 GMT

I've been working a lot lately. My check should be pretty large this coming Friday when I get paid. Looking forward to that. I broke my promise to myself and bought something (I was going to wait until I had $1000 in the bank). Aside from buying Robb dinner and birthday gifts, I bought myself some clothes from UO. I can't wait until they get here.

I took a break from throwing up for awhile. I'm not sure how it happened. One day I just woke up and ate something, and didn't feel the urge to puke. I'm thinking it's because of my job demanding so much use of your strength throughout the day that I burn it all off as soon as I eat. But, I began to see it catching up with me, so for the last few days I've been throwing up after I eat, again. Makes me feel better about myself. I want to look good in the new clothes I just bought.